Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Fear, Faith and a Mustard Seed

Everybody has something that they are afraid of...heights, clowns, spiders. I am one of those people who is not too fond of heights. I had a very unpleasant experience as a young child stopped on the very top of a ferris wheel with one of my cousins who will remain nameless. To this day, I haven't gotten back on a ferris wheel. I wasn't scared because I was stuck or because the machine was broken or I was falling, I was scared because these things MIGHT happen. Fast forward several decades and the list of fears has grown. Fear of failure, rejection, loss, not being good enough, the future. Fear of change, of letting go of things that are comfortable to me.

What is fear? The Bible says that fear is a lack of faith (Mark 4:40). Do I not have faith? I consider myself a faithful person, wife, friend. I have faith in God. What I lack sometimes is faith in what God can and IS doing for me in my life. When things aren't going like I think they should, I worry. I doubt. I shed tears. I get angry. I get discouraged. Guess what? I am not in control. I like to be, but I'm not. In my quest to live a more disciplined life, I have made a lot of positive changes along the way. I've lost some weight, learned to like exercise, become more organized, but I've realized I haven't let go of all of my fears. Why do I want to lose weight? I want to feel better and be healthy. I want to honor God with the body He has given me. I want to walk into a store and not have to look for an XL. But I also have a shallow desire to be attractive/pretty. I don't want people to tell me I have a pretty face. When I hear that it screams "but she has an ugly body"! After 39 years, I have become comfortable with the way I look now. I have also become comfortable with food as my comforter. Even though I want to lose weight, it scares me sometimes. I am still scared of things that MIGHT happen. How will people perceive me and how will I react to them?  My insides must change for the better along with my outside.

Thinking about faith and fear made me think of a song I learned this fall. I don't know the name of it, but here are the lyrics...."Well there's nothing that I need that He won't provide and there's nothing that I need that He won't supply. Cause I believe, yes I believe. I will say to the mountain move. I will say to the mountain get out of my way. Cause I believe, yes I believe." This song led me to think about Matthew 17:20 which says, "Jesus said, "Truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there', and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you." Do you know how big a mustard seed is? I had to squint to see it in the picture at the top of the blog. It is smaller than the BBs and the air rifle pellets that I sweep up off of my floor. It's smaller than legos, squinkies, or any Barbie parts lying around my house. It might be so small that you don't know that it is there. Now I know my mustard seed is there. I'm holding on to that thought throughout this journey. It won't be easy, but it WILL be worth it!

2 Timothy 1:7 God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self control.


  1. How inspiring! I wish I had your kind of faith...every day I am getting closer though.

  2. Your blog spoke volumes to me today, for I too am dealing with fear.
    Those who know me would be greatly surprised by this since I am a warrior at heart...but God sees the me who wants to run away.
    I'm still figuring this out...thanks for letting me know I'm not alone on this journey.

  3. A fbaloo, a squinkie is a tiny rubber doll thingy invented by the soul-less toy manufacturers for me to find in various places ALL over my house.
    @Liz, it's all about progress, sista!
    @Donna, I'm still figuring it out too. We are never alone! My name actually means "brave or warrior or strength" depending on where you look. Hmm...something to strive for! Thanks for reading and commenting!