Sunday, December 1, 2013

Dear God...It's me, Kelly

Yes, I know I haven't blogged in ages! This girl is still getting it together and sometimes it is harder than others to find time to do the things we love or even the things we need to do. Sometimes God reveals things to us about ourselves that maybe we don't want to see. I was feeling excited about church this morning, but there was an anxiety below the surface that I couldn't quite put my finger on.  As we walked out of the door, my husband reminded me that today was December 1st and it was time to write our monthly tithe check. Now, I rarely discuss money and I have no idea what other families do, nor do I want to know. I suddenly realized the root of the anxiety. I was afraid to give the full amount I had been giving each month. Fear was gripping my mind, heart, and checkbook. Finances have been tight this year. This is December and Christmas is coming. We have cut our list as much as we can at this point. What are we going to do? We got to church and started singing. I had the check written out and in my purse. Still fearful. Then we sang this verse..."I will not fear. His promise is true. My God will come through always...always".
It was like God knew my fear. Mine... He knows me in my inmost being. He knows that this season of my life has not been easy.

I lost my precious Mama this past February. This was our first Thanksgiving without her. I had to cook the dressing this year. Let's just say that it was not the same. I have pictures of my mama from last year making the dressing in my kitchen. Why, oh why, didn't I make a video? She was here, but she was in the memories this time. My 6 year old niece, Gabby, said, "I miss Yaya because she would always make me paper dolls". This was something she used to do for all of us as small children. Something I had forgotten about. My mama could take any paper and a pair of scissors and make beautiful dolls and clothes. Thank you, Gabby, for the remembered memory. I held on to fear for such a long time after my mama died. Fear that I couldn't go on without her...that my anchor was gone. But God showed me how to give up my fear there, too. He is my anchor. He guides my steps. He gave me an awesome godly earthly mother that loved me. He sent his son to save us from our sins so that we would have eternal life. So why am I still afraid?

I am still afraid because I am human. I still have fears creep into my heart when I least expect it. This flesh is real. But He sees me. He knows my fears and he sends praise bands to sing songs over me to help me with my fears. I sang the words with the congregation. I believed the words in my heart. And just like that...the fear gripping my heart over money was gone. Gone.
I wish it was that easy with all of my fears. But the more I know God, the more fears I have been able to let go of and to overcome. His promises are true. He has always come through for me in every season of my life. He always comes through...always.

Philippians 4:6 "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done."